July 3rd, 2013 was the day I found out my enemy was close. Many lesions in my brain and spine kind of close. I remember when my neuro doctor wrote the name of three MS specialists that he recommended. I laughed when I saw the scribbles and told him “you write like a doctor.” He laughed too and told me I was going to be alright. I believed him.
What I couldn’t believe was how quickly my mind, body and spirit would deteriorate as the days went by. I went from having occasional issues walking and talking to fewer and fewer good moments without issues. I stopped believing I was going to be alright and started hating my MS riddled body. I hated everything MS was doing to me. Why me? The why stage set in, then the give up on everything stage soon followed. I’m not sure when I consciously decided, but there was a big shift and my worst enemy became my best friend. That’s not a stage, that’s a choice, a very hard one.
I thought my life was ending and I asked my cousin to write my eulogy. He obliged and I was so happy to hear those kind words while I was alive. It never dawned on me how he must have felt when I asked him to do that. Recently (2025 recent), I asked him what it was like receiving that request. He shared:
“I’m not gonna lie - when you asked me to write your eulogy, my heart just about stopped. For a moment, I thought I was losing you, like you had stared the grim reaper in the face and you were ready to give up the fight. But then I remembered who you are - a warrior with so many plans still ahead of you. You are the one who taught me about “This Ability,” a phrase I still find myself oftentimes using. So I said my prayers, checked in often and thank God they were answered. Now look at you - still here, still fighting, and still making me laugh like nobody else can.”
I’m not sure of the exact moment but at some point, I decided to give MS a voice. Some grow up with an imaginary friend or a doll to talk to, for me it was a real friend who was living within me and affecting my every word, my every step, and even my bladder.
I started listening to my body. If there was a moment while driving or even doing a push-up and I felt that wave of fatigue, I would stop and rest. I would fiund a corner at the gym and would get comfy and close my eyes. I would pull over and ease the seat back and close my eyes. I would literally say “okay MS, I hear you, let’s rest. But it’s going to be a 10 minute one because I need to get going after.”
One of my favorites that MS did not like was whiskey. Oh, how I loved whiskey and oh how MS did not. Each sip meant something was about to happen. Either my bladder would fail me, my legs, or my cognitive would be impacted. I ignored MS even though her voice (yes, MS is a she for me) got louder and louder. Often times I would be at a social gathering, and it was very, very hard for people to understand that I didn’t want to drink (especially if they knew I was whiskey aficionada). I made up every excuse until I ended up having just 1. For MS, 1 and 100 were the same, it didn’t matter. MS did not like whisky, but for me, it was one of the few things that gave me comfort and made me feel “normal” so I didn’t want to stop.
One day I was at an office gathering and I decided to have 1 drink. I immediately felt the difference in my body. Fatigue set in, my balance was off and I had to make sure I was leaning on something, it was hard for me to concentrate. I excused myself to go to the restroom, but I snuck out and found a bench and took time to gather my strength. I don’t think I even had 2 sips! It was so hard to connect the message from my central nervous system to my legs allowing me to walk. I cried right there on the bench and vowed never to choose anything over my health. My friend, MS, gave me a fair warning not to and I ignored it (many times).
These days my new normal is a nice 16 0z glass of green juice or carrot juice. My “normal” had switched, and MS was definitely saying yes to that. Instead of hating MS I started to listen to signs of her (MS) not liking something or even someone. Stress is a huge trigger for symptoms. Sometimes it wasn’t so easy to find that way to sneak out of a situation, but I truly believe where there is a will there is a way. I’ve accepted the fact that not everyone will like my will but when MS is good, I’m good and nothing else matters.
Peace & Blessings,
Sheree